NYUK NYUK NYUK

I've written briefly, because words fail me, about the impending remake of the Three Stooges, over at Irresistible Targets. The picture to the right, minus the fringe, is actually the same one that's the screen saver on my computer.

WALES VS IRELAND, ALMOST WINNER TAKE ALL

Today Ireland play at Wales, and if they win they will be crowded Six Nations champions with an undefeated Grand Slam season. If they lose, they will find themselves in a tie with Wales, and, in a perfect world, the Welsh would win the title on the strength of the head-to-head victory (not quite perfect, of course, since the home field advantage is so huge in rugby, especially in Cardiff, you know Welsh choirs and all that).

But in international rugby, to the winner the spoils do not necessarily go. The Welsh will have to beat Ireland by 13 points or more, because in the case of ties, the winner is determined by 'points difference' in all five matches. So in reality the Six Nations will be decided by who was able to run up the score against Italy by the most points.

Remember 2001? Due to hoof and mouth in Ireland (among the cows, not the rugby players), the Irish finished their campaign in the fall, and in their final match faced English, who had juggernauted through the other four nations in the spring. An Irish win in Dublin would have left the teams level with 4-1 records, but Ireland had beaten Italy 41-22 away, while the English had enjoyed embarrassing Italy 80-23 at Twickers. They'd beaten Scotland by almost as much, and with a 143 point differential were forcing Ireland to beat them by more than they'd beaten Italy in order to be champions. In the end, Irealdn duly won, 20-14, but there was no suspense in the match, as there would have been had anything been as stake.

The Six Nations is often decided on PD: France over Ireland in both 2006 and 2007, although luckily they beat the Irish head to head both years. Or I should say fortunately they'd amassed a better point differential. Wouldn't be better if titles were decided on the field, and not by some guy in a blazer working a pocket calculator?

PARENTHOOD: TRAVIS ON THE BACK NINE, BRISTOL PLAYING SINGLES

The sad tale of Travis Henry, who since high school has fathered nine children by nine different women, and despite getting $6.5 million from his last NFL contract is effectively bankrupt, is in today's NYTimes, here. Henry says each relationship was 'cool' until the babies came and then the women 'came after' him. He also says he never had more than three cars at once, and spent only $250,000 on jewellery, which passes for austerity in today's NFL. In fairness, however, unlike certain other running backs, he has never tried to dodge the financial repsonsibility; he just can't meet the bills. He and his fiancee are postponing wedding plans until this can be sorted out, and neither, according to the Times, wants children. Shouldn't that be MORE children?

Meanwhile, there's a different approach to the news that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's 'engagement' is off, apparently after Bristol refused to let Levi take their daughter to his family's house, calling them 'white trash'. Levi's mother, remember, was busted, though not until after the election, for selling oxycontin, aka hillbilly heroin. No wonder Rush Limbaugh loved them so much. In reality, young Levi (pictured right with Bristol and their marriage counselor) always looked like he wanted to be there about as much as Travis Henry might have. Now, according to the Palins' press release, Bristol is 'devastated'. But according to Levi's sister, Mercede (where in Alaska do they get these names?) it's a different story. As Tom Paxton sang: How do I know? I read it in the Daily News! Here.

AND HERE'S TO YOU MRS. MYERSON: Julie Battles Light Literary Incontinence

My modest observations on the British media 'controversy' over Julie Myerson's using her son's drug problems, and her banishing him from the family home, as a device in her new book, have been posted over at Irresistible Targets, here.

GOING COAST TO COAST AGAIN...

The first installment of 2009's Coast To Coast column is up now at nfluk.com, you can find it here. Each Friday I'll be looking at one or two NFL teams, assessing their needs pre-draft, and their prospects after it. I started with Detroit, an easy target coming off their 0-16 bizarro-perfect season, with an even easier target in ex-coach Rod Marinelli. There are a couple of typos in the finished product, and a riff on their signing Drew Henson (ex Berlin Thunder) just to confuse me has disappeared, and you were spared my favourite picture of my favourite space-eater, Grady Jackson, so I'll share it with you here. You may recall the NFL tried to ban Grady last season for using a diruetic, presumably to mask his steroid use. As it happened, the banned drug was included, but not listed in the contents, of an over-the-counter diruetic, which the NFL knew, but didn't tell anyone. Grady's lawyer, very smartly, filed suit against the maker of the supplement, a suit the NFL doesn't want to be in the middle of. When you stop giggling, consider why Grady would be using a diruetic in the first place? It's not like he had to make weight. Maybe he gets a bonus if he's under 365? Anyway, unless the NFL starts testing for BBQ, Grady should be OK for the 2009 season.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE REDUX: WHICH TEAM WON?

So it turns out there really was a ringer in the Corpus Christi team, but it wasn't 26 year old PhD student Gail Trimble, it was the science wonk Sam Kay, the recipent of Trimble's most dismissive stare when he got one wrong, is actually not enrolled at Oxford at all, but working for Price Waterhouse Coopers, where presumably he is already learning how to cook the books and stretch the rules as an accountant.

Kay was a student when CCO's first two matches were taped, then graduated and took his job. So each time in the remaining shows, when he said he was 'reading' or 'studying' he must have meant he was doing that on his own time at home.

Reports in the Sunday papers indicated that the UC rules were clear, that contestants had to be students for the full-run of the programme, but Kay was quoted as saying that since he had been a student when he started he didn't think he'd done anything wrong. It is a little odd that no one at Oxford noticed he wasn't around town, though, isn't it.

Reminds me of Boris Rankov, who was still rowing for Dan Topolski's Oxford crews even though he was palpably a teacher, not a student.

Although reports on Sunday all screeched that the Manchester University were demanding a rematch, in reality, they conceded gracefully, if not educatedly. Manchester captain Matthew Yeo said he and his teammates were 'firmly of the opinion that the best team won'.

That's BETTER team, Matthew. There were only two of you. Maybe it's time to go back to college, if you're not really there.